Land of Wats, Koh's and Kraps....
If someone were to be unemployed for four months, give or take a couple of weeks, and did not see a job materializing in the distant future, what would you expect him to do? Set off to faraway Thailand of course! That someone in this pertinent case is me. Yes, a bit of a whimsical decision. But trust me, I had VERY good reasons to shed half a grand (pound sterlings unfortunately, not rubels...) on flights, and the added extras. All will be revealed.
I had interviewed with Wildscreen in BRistol two days before flying, and had a return ticket for a month later, on the off chance that I was actually accepted for the position. Now, it doesn't take a degree in metaphysical psychological neuropathy (?!) to work out that I did NOT get the job, and I DID extend my stay in Thailand, hence why I am writing from some tropical island in the Gulf of Thailand two months since I left the saturated sinking island that is Britain.
You are asking yourself WHY Thailand, and what are those VERY good reasons I mentioned. Well, one reason in particular: Paula Castillo. Don't start rolling your eyes now. Hear me out. Please! She used to go to school with me in Quito, Ecuador 14 years ago when I was just a snot-ridden midget. And we got on email contact a couple of months ago, and PRESTO ---- BANG ---- BOOM, we met in Bangkok to travel around Thailand. This in itself is a whole other episode, and one which I will refrain from delving into right now. Let's just say it was a trial like no other I have been faced with.... no more on that for now.
This is my first time in Thailand and Southeast Asia for that matter, and what a wonderful part of the world. SO rich in culture and the downright bizarre; I mean where else in the World do you have to stand up in the cinema before the trailers and movie and pay your respects to the king (in this case King Rama the IV.. or is it the VIII? Oh dear...) as a little propaganda is shown on the screen!??! Or chatting with a couple of gay monks in some beautifully serene Wat (Buddhist temple, of which there are many, and I mean MANY in Thailand; like Starbucks in the USA.... or 7 11's in Thailand for that matter); he wore his monk robe SO well.... I knew he must have been 'batting for the other side' (plus, he was ALL over another monk. Cute really - good for them). And where else do you see certified transvestites dressed in northern Thai garb dancing to the 'Copacabana' and salsa music..... Talking about dressing... I saw this little cute kid on the island of Ko Tao in full matching Newcastle United Football Club kit. What's strange about this? Well, that he was not some son of Black & White Newcastle Magpie football fans, but actually a 4-year-old native of the island!!
They love English football over here. I had a conversation with this Malay/Thai girl studying for her MBA on the bus the other day. Football became the focus of the conversation (purely sparked by her I must add), and then she uttered "OWEN" as if she had just orgasmed. And no, 'Owen' does not translate into Thai as "YES, more, more" ...she is actually a grade A/No.1 fan of Michael Owen and Liverpool Football Club! But there is not too much evidence of actual football being played around Thailand. There is rattan though; a sport which entails two teams of 3 kicking a small ball made of rattan (wouldn't you know?!) over a short volleyball type net. Amazing what these guys can do with their feet... I sat and watched what seemed like a Thai Triad gang having a fun and innocent game of rattan in a Buddhist temple garden; they had tattoos from head to toe just about, not to mention Uzi 9 mm machine guns in holsters on their black souped-up tinted window Kawasaki motorcycles... ok, ok, not quite, but they did look menacing, and had a very large Rottweiler with them. (I know: huge leap from owning a Rottweiler and having some tattoos to being part of a murderous cult gang...but I have a vivid imagination). Nice contrast to turn my head and watch a group of young Buddhist monks playing with a rattan ball, with huge grins and smiles on their faces, completely wrapped up in the game (and in their robes... hee, hee).
Of course, muay Thai - Thai boxing - is also prevalent all over Thailand. Now I have never been to a boxing/wrestling/kick-the-shit-out-of-your-opponent type match but this was pretty entertaining.... The boxers, who are built like mini Jean Claude Van Dammes (without the steroids and annoying accent) - basically just kick each other in the groins. A gross over-simplification, yes. I even had the bizarre fortune of watching a Spanish kick boxer half knock out an Irishman (boxer too, not member of the crowd).
Oh, and how can I forget playing volleyball on the beach?! Every day after coming back from diving I would play volleyball with some Thai people who worked at one of the bungalows. You may ask yourself what is strange/exciting/noteworthy of this activity? Nothing really, except by and large they were all either gay or very, very effeminate, and I mean VERY. It was hilarious to play with them.... volleyball that is. I repeat: it was hilarious to play VOLLEYBALL with them. Nothing else. Thailand is one of the most tolerant countries of homosexuality I have ever been in or known. I love it. I should bring all my homophobic friends over here to be 'cured' (I won't name them but you know who you are, ANDY).
Going into Pat Pong (the infamous red-light district) in Bangkok was therefore not such a big shock to me. Well, that was the case until I was approached by some shady character and shown a MENU, and I mean an actual laminated price list/program/menu - call it what you want - of all the sordid things women do with their genitalia in the bars nearby. Here is a sample: draw cartoons, blow smoke rings, shoot darts, play ping pong, pull out a dozen razor blades, open bottles, etc., etc. DRAW CARTOONS?!?! Hello? Well, they would be able to liven up any dull party with those party tricks, let me tell you. And did I mention I saw a baby elephant - yes, a real live cute baby elephant - walking the streets of the red-light district?! Albeit chained and being led about by his mahout, but nevertheless. Don't ask me what they do with IT.... but it was sad to see.
Not so sad was the occasion when I bathed with an adult elephant in a river up north. We would be on his back, and he would dunk himself in, and nearly drown us in the process. Wonderful! I thoroughly enjoyed the ride. IN fact, I would classify that as one of the best rides I have ever had... (OK, so I am getting desperate in my old age). Talking about Best this and Best that.... I paid $2.50 (well, actually 100 baht) for a haircut on the island of Ko Tao; pretty expensive when it comes to Thai prices. However, I had my hair washed and blow dried. AND (wait for it) I had my head and face massage
d too. Now, you don't get that kind of service at the Haircuttery in the US, or Barry's Corner Barber Shop in Bristol now do you?! And definitely not for a pound fifty! Maybe 40 pounds if you are lucky.
A visit to Thailand is not complete unless one gets a Thai massage. I took full advantage of the many massage places all over the country, and had many different massages (all above board I should add - honest). However, one in particular stands out. On the island of Ko Tao again. Oh ho, what a massage. Basically entailed a relatively old lady (that loosely resembled ET - with glasses) walking up and down my whole body, pulling and prodding here and there. At one point she was poised on one foot on my hamstring, and I am sure she was doing the Karate Kid swan kick stance with raised hands at the same time. Meanwhile, Backstreet Boys or some shite boy band is being blasted out of some hi-fi nearby, a lady is fanning me and another is placing cool fresh eucalyptus smelling flannels on my face - HEAVEN on Earth (bar the shite boy band noise, but a small price to pay wouldn't you say?).
Actually, I have felt heavenly many a time (not because I am suddenly an angel and sprouted little fluffy white wings, but because of the beautiful spots I have had the fortune of visiting). Most of these places have Koh in front of their name, aka 'island'. Koh Tao (Turtle Island), Koh Tarutao (uhm....Turtle-named-Taru Island), Koh Phi Phi (do not ask), Koh
Surin, Koh Pha Ngan, Koh Lipe. I learnt to dive in Koh Tao, with Assaf, my Israeli dive instructor (who for some bizarre reason I almost called Arafat a couple of times.... (that would have gone down the wrong way eh?!). Ironically I did not see a single turtle on Turtle Island... however I did see some hawksbill turtles at Koh Surin Nua off the west coast in the Andaman Sea. And that was not even close to topping the highlight of THAT trip... let me tell you...
[David's Trials and Tribulations of Life in Thailand TO BE CONTINUED... on the grounds that you will get bored shitless, which would detract from the purpose of these emails...]
I had interviewed with Wildscreen in BRistol two days before flying, and had a return ticket for a month later, on the off chance that I was actually accepted for the position. Now, it doesn't take a degree in metaphysical psychological neuropathy (?!) to work out that I did NOT get the job, and I DID extend my stay in Thailand, hence why I am writing from some tropical island in the Gulf of Thailand two months since I left the saturated sinking island that is Britain.
You are asking yourself WHY Thailand, and what are those VERY good reasons I mentioned. Well, one reason in particular: Paula Castillo. Don't start rolling your eyes now. Hear me out. Please! She used to go to school with me in Quito, Ecuador 14 years ago when I was just a snot-ridden midget. And we got on email contact a couple of months ago, and PRESTO ---- BANG ---- BOOM, we met in Bangkok to travel around Thailand. This in itself is a whole other episode, and one which I will refrain from delving into right now. Let's just say it was a trial like no other I have been faced with.... no more on that for now.
This is my first time in Thailand and Southeast Asia for that matter, and what a wonderful part of the world. SO rich in culture and the downright bizarre; I mean where else in the World do you have to stand up in the cinema before the trailers and movie and pay your respects to the king (in this case King Rama the IV.. or is it the VIII? Oh dear...) as a little propaganda is shown on the screen!??! Or chatting with a couple of gay monks in some beautifully serene Wat (Buddhist temple, of which there are many, and I mean MANY in Thailand; like Starbucks in the USA.... or 7 11's in Thailand for that matter); he wore his monk robe SO well.... I knew he must have been 'batting for the other side' (plus, he was ALL over another monk. Cute really - good for them). And where else do you see certified transvestites dressed in northern Thai garb dancing to the 'Copacabana' and salsa music..... Talking about dressing... I saw this little cute kid on the island of Ko Tao in full matching Newcastle United Football Club kit. What's strange about this? Well, that he was not some son of Black & White Newcastle Magpie football fans, but actually a 4-year-old native of the island!!
They love English football over here. I had a conversation with this Malay/Thai girl studying for her MBA on the bus the other day. Football became the focus of the conversation (purely sparked by her I must add), and then she uttered "OWEN" as if she had just orgasmed. And no, 'Owen' does not translate into Thai as "YES, more, more" ...she is actually a grade A/No.1 fan of Michael Owen and Liverpool Football Club! But there is not too much evidence of actual football being played around Thailand. There is rattan though; a sport which entails two teams of 3 kicking a small ball made of rattan (wouldn't you know?!) over a short volleyball type net. Amazing what these guys can do with their feet... I sat and watched what seemed like a Thai Triad gang having a fun and innocent game of rattan in a Buddhist temple garden; they had tattoos from head to toe just about, not to mention Uzi 9 mm machine guns in holsters on their black souped-up tinted window Kawasaki motorcycles... ok, ok, not quite, but they did look menacing, and had a very large Rottweiler with them. (I know: huge leap from owning a Rottweiler and having some tattoos to being part of a murderous cult gang...but I have a vivid imagination). Nice contrast to turn my head and watch a group of young Buddhist monks playing with a rattan ball, with huge grins and smiles on their faces, completely wrapped up in the game (and in their robes... hee, hee).
Of course, muay Thai - Thai boxing - is also prevalent all over Thailand. Now I have never been to a boxing/wrestling/kick-the-shit-out-of-your-opponent type match but this was pretty entertaining.... The boxers, who are built like mini Jean Claude Van Dammes (without the steroids and annoying accent) - basically just kick each other in the groins. A gross over-simplification, yes. I even had the bizarre fortune of watching a Spanish kick boxer half knock out an Irishman (boxer too, not member of the crowd).
Oh, and how can I forget playing volleyball on the beach?! Every day after coming back from diving I would play volleyball with some Thai people who worked at one of the bungalows. You may ask yourself what is strange/exciting/noteworthy of this activity? Nothing really, except by and large they were all either gay or very, very effeminate, and I mean VERY. It was hilarious to play with them.... volleyball that is. I repeat: it was hilarious to play VOLLEYBALL with them. Nothing else. Thailand is one of the most tolerant countries of homosexuality I have ever been in or known. I love it. I should bring all my homophobic friends over here to be 'cured' (I won't name them but you know who you are, ANDY).
Going into Pat Pong (the infamous red-light district) in Bangkok was therefore not such a big shock to me. Well, that was the case until I was approached by some shady character and shown a MENU, and I mean an actual laminated price list/program/menu - call it what you want - of all the sordid things women do with their genitalia in the bars nearby. Here is a sample: draw cartoons, blow smoke rings, shoot darts, play ping pong, pull out a dozen razor blades, open bottles, etc., etc. DRAW CARTOONS?!?! Hello? Well, they would be able to liven up any dull party with those party tricks, let me tell you. And did I mention I saw a baby elephant - yes, a real live cute baby elephant - walking the streets of the red-light district?! Albeit chained and being led about by his mahout, but nevertheless. Don't ask me what they do with IT.... but it was sad to see.
Not so sad was the occasion when I bathed with an adult elephant in a river up north. We would be on his back, and he would dunk himself in, and nearly drown us in the process. Wonderful! I thoroughly enjoyed the ride. IN fact, I would classify that as one of the best rides I have ever had... (OK, so I am getting desperate in my old age). Talking about Best this and Best that.... I paid $2.50 (well, actually 100 baht) for a haircut on the island of Ko Tao; pretty expensive when it comes to Thai prices. However, I had my hair washed and blow dried. AND (wait for it) I had my head and face massage
d too. Now, you don't get that kind of service at the Haircuttery in the US, or Barry's Corner Barber Shop in Bristol now do you?! And definitely not for a pound fifty! Maybe 40 pounds if you are lucky.A visit to Thailand is not complete unless one gets a Thai massage. I took full advantage of the many massage places all over the country, and had many different massages (all above board I should add - honest). However, one in particular stands out. On the island of Ko Tao again. Oh ho, what a massage. Basically entailed a relatively old lady (that loosely resembled ET - with glasses) walking up and down my whole body, pulling and prodding here and there. At one point she was poised on one foot on my hamstring, and I am sure she was doing the Karate Kid swan kick stance with raised hands at the same time. Meanwhile, Backstreet Boys or some shite boy band is being blasted out of some hi-fi nearby, a lady is fanning me and another is placing cool fresh eucalyptus smelling flannels on my face - HEAVEN on Earth (bar the shite boy band noise, but a small price to pay wouldn't you say?).
Actually, I have felt heavenly many a time (not because I am suddenly an angel and sprouted little fluffy white wings, but because of the beautiful spots I have had the fortune of visiting). Most of these places have Koh in front of their name, aka 'island'. Koh Tao (Turtle Island), Koh Tarutao (uhm....Turtle-named-Taru Island), Koh Phi Phi (do not ask), Koh
Surin, Koh Pha Ngan, Koh Lipe. I learnt to dive in Koh Tao, with Assaf, my Israeli dive instructor (who for some bizarre reason I almost called Arafat a couple of times.... (that would have gone down the wrong way eh?!). Ironically I did not see a single turtle on Turtle Island... however I did see some hawksbill turtles at Koh Surin Nua off the west coast in the Andaman Sea. And that was not even close to topping the highlight of THAT trip... let me tell you...[David's Trials and Tribulations of Life in Thailand TO BE CONTINUED... on the grounds that you will get bored shitless, which would detract from the purpose of these emails...]
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