Los Llanos - Where Giant Rats and Beauty Queens Roam

When someone says to you "Venezuela" what pops up into your mind instantly? Tricky one really eh? (well unless you are FROM Venezuela!) I would have said oil, Angel Falls, and a dodgy president a couple of weeks ago. But oh no, no, no. Now I think; gorgeous women, bad roads, a nationwide facial twitch (which manifests itself when I would ask a question such as where are the toilets, and would lend me to believe that they are about to chop my head off with a machete...), gorgeous women (oh, did I already mention them? Well just to reiterate the point), great wide open spaces, lots of wildlife, and still a dodgy president.

The latter was a point of contention recently, as two opposing protests occurred the morning we were leaving Caracas for the Llanos. Our driver imparted some words of wisdom: "Si. Va ser el empieze de LA guerra." (Yes, this is the beginning of THE war!) Great. Well, luckily we were on the road out of Caracas to the vast floodplain of the Orinoco River where the worries are of a slightly different nature. Signs on the side of the road alluded to this - "Haemorrhoids: cure them" or "The whole nation against diarrhea"!! Sitting in the bus on the 12 hour journey, any hypothetical burning sensation in ones bottom due to haemorrhoids would have been quashed by the sub-zero temperatures the bus was kept at. I had to resort to wrapping a shirt around my head and ears (Lawrence of Arabia style) and duck taping the air-conditioner vents near me. At one point, I woke up to see Sean, Assistant Producer, with his head tucked under the seat head-rest cover! Hilarious.

Well, having braved the frozen meat wagon ride down, we were transported to Los Llanos of Venezuela, where I was taking part in another BBC Natural History Unit shoot. It is only fitting then to have had many encounters with....uhm....nature.....that will go down in the annals of......well, history (albeit my personal history; not in Webster's World Almanac). My days as a wildlife perambulating toilet are still truly alive. This time round I have been pissed on by iguanas, frogs (and myself, early morning when my aim was slightly off). I was not however, pissed on by bats as in Ecuador, even though they were very abundant in the camp. Literally hundreds would skim over our heads feeding on nectar, using their amazing echolocation to guide them. Well, truly amazing it may be, but it still didn't stop one bat from flying straight into my forehead one morning as I stood up from my hammock! Oh you see, I was sleeping in a hammock in the field biologist shack/hut/house/shit pit/station to save the production money! Yes, the Beeb is now counting its pennies....yep, sure, if the BBC is poor then I am Wayna Capac, Inca Emperor....

I shared the hammock space with Ken, homosexual American field biologist and his little pet Orinoco gosling; very cute (the goose, not Ken). Walking to and from my sleeping quarters was interesting. One night I narrowly escaped with my life as I missed stepping into a capybara by a hair's breadth! Similarly, when having a shower I had to dodge many jumping frogs (no, did not have to dodge sheep-sized capybaras in the shower...). And, as cute as they may be, the prospect of having a frog with its slimy suction cupped feet land on my buttocks or genitalia was not appealing in the slightest. Nonetheless, I did have to slap away frogs off my body on numerous occasions, both in the shower and while in bed. Oh, and I was semi-attacked by a caiman (cousin of the crocodile)!! I have never moved (or rather stumbled in a blind panic) so fast in my life as it lunged at my ankles. Actually, I moved about as fast as when I was attacked by a hippo in Africa, although then I ran across water, Jesus Christ Lizard style! Some of you may be marvelling at the fact that I have not mentioned pooh/shit/crap/turds/excrement yet. Well let me say I have become very adept at dodging flying red howler monkey turds, but conversely, planted my size ten Nikes on many a capybara pooh pie.



In fact, the latter two animals were the subjects of the latest shoot; capybara and red howler monkeys - respectively, the largest rodent in the world and uhm..... a red monkey that howls.... (why the hell did we film them??!) All in all, it went well. In fact, look out for me when Sir David Attenborough's "Life of Mammals" comes out at the end of the year on BBC and Discovery channel. Yep, I feature for what must be the better part of 13 seconds, as Sir David talks about the wonders of the largest rodent on earth from a Toyota jeep. If you look very close (and I mean very, very closely) you may spot my right shoulder and elbow in the driver's seat, wearing a chequered green shirt (the only thing I had that would allow me to blend in with the green seat and not show up Sir David). At one point, I turned my head slightly during filming in case my right side of my face (my better side I might add) should be seen briefly.... ah, the rigours of being famous will soon be haunting me. Ha! Actually, what haunted me at the time was what Sir David would say or think of me if I was to have let rip the huge fart I had kept in during the hour we were in the jeep together!


Well, let me tell you that during my stay at the Hato el Cedral (ranch in the llanos) I acquired some semblance of notoriety.... Sean, Assistant Producer (aka The Ass Prod), Gavin the cameraman (aka Lord Thurston), and I, the assistant in the field (aka Ass in the field) frequented the local town's festival a couple of times. Basically had a laugh flirting with all the festival queens and dodging hurtling bulls and horses... You see, Mantecal has a 'feria' every year, and they chose six queens: Queen of Tourism, Sports, Bull running, Festival, and for all I know, Queen of Teenagers in Knee high boots. (Did I mention that Venezuelan girls are gorgeous?) So proceeded to try and get a picture with each and every one of the Queens. Ended up chatting with the Queen of The Festival, until I was rudely interrupted by a guy who introduced himself as her boyfriend... large man, with camo t-shirt with two even larger brothers (one with a cowboy hat with its own little micro ecosystem of flies flying over it!). Steered clear of her after that, but she still sent me her regards once I was back at the 'ranch'. That got this other girl working there jealous (as was the Queen of Tourism). Oh dear. Even Sir David had a good dig at me, as this girl strutted past us as we were having lunch the last day: 'Ah, David, I think she is doing this for your benefit. Oh here she comes again. You should really do something about it.' Or words to that effect! How f****ing embarrassed was I?!? Some smart alec remark from Gavin did not help matters either.



And the bull running.... what a laugh. It's called "coleo" and basically entails a long track with metal railings on either side, packed with local people on it. Five horsemen chase a bull down this long alley and try and grab it by the tail and bring it down to the ground. While this is going on, local hard men, drunks, nut cases, and Ass Prod, Lord Thurston and Ass in the Field stand in front of the hurtling bulls and horses with beer in hand, and jump aside onto the metal railings in the knick of time. I almost ruptured my left testicle going in between the railings as opposed to climbing up to the top. At another instance, I literally pulled myself up by the long hair of a woman sitting atop the railing! Oops. A split second later, the bull ran past and kicked his hooved foot up, missing my foot by inches (which, had it connected, would undoubtedly have snapped my spindly foot in two).



So, as you can see, it isn't all work, work, work. We work hard and play hard. And get hammered by biting insects in the process! I am a mobile advertising billboard for the visually impaired these days, seeing as my whole body is covered in bumps from tick and mosquito bites! Just like braille. Even my arse has not been spared. But it was all worth it. Saw some amazing wildlife, including pink river dolphins, giant river otters, giant anteater, jabiru storks, anacondas. A veritable Garden of Eden. For further information please call Hato El Cedral on 1-800-CAPYBARA EVERYWHERE. And, Brad, you will laugh your head off to know that I emailed from McDonald's McInternet in Caracas!! Can you believe it! McInternet!! What is the world coming to??! I had my McFlurry, with McCone, then took my McReceipt up the McSteps to the McInternet. Then I McFucked Off as it was late.

Talking about late, this has been another epic email, and I am sure you want to log off, or just never hear from me again. Once again, I apologize. You will not hear from me for a while, as I put my head down here in Bristol and think of my next move. A sneak preview..... either stay in Bristol to work with Wildscreen as a Species Author (if they offer me the job) or shoot off to Thailand to volunteer with an HIV/AIDS program in Chiang Mai for a couple of months with a long-lost friend from 15 years ago. If the latter occurs, expect another epic instalment. If not, well, just expect a run-of-the-mill instalment.

May 2002 be treating you all well. Good luck in love and work.

All the best,

David, the Ass in the Field.

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